We decided on Monday that we would live out our two days of oblivion to the fullest. No fears or worries, no what-ifs, no planning. We would laugh and enjoy the hours as if nothing in our world had changed, because aside from a bandage and some bruises, nothing had changed. For now.

We binged the Olympics and Korean dramas. We stayed up and slept in. We let the kid go wild with friends and video games. I’m not sure I ever brushed my teeth.

I woke up on Wednesday fully alert, aware that our oblivion-fest was over. The clock was reset, and now we would wait.

We went about our morning routine, but it felt different. I threw on some clothes and put my hair up in a bun. J and I grabbed our morning drinks and we went out the door for our daily morning walk, leaving S sprawled out on the couch with his blanket and PBS cartoons. We made it past our driveway in silence. Our conversation was awkward, lacking its familiar flow that matched the cadence of our steps.

“It’s such a perfect morning.”
“Yeah, it already feels a bit like fall.”
“I mean, it really could be nothing.”
“Totally. Even Dr. H said it might just be scar tissue.”
“Yeah.”

Permeating our awkward chit-chat was a weighty understanding that our world might change today. And it did. At 11:37AM, we received news that the cancer has returned.

—

Fear can have so much power over our minds. It deceives us into believing lies. I know truth extinguishes fear, and truth is what I choose to cling to in the darkness.

These are the things I remember:

• God is with my family – he will help us and strengthen us; he will uphold us with his right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
• God will never leave us or forsake us. (Deut.31:6)
• God is our refuge and strength; our very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1-3)
• His peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus as we present our requests to him in prayer and thanksgiving. (Phil 4:6-7)
• God will give us wisdom when we ask him in faith. (James 1:5-8)
• He tests our faith through trials to bless us with steadfastness. (James 1:2-4)
• God is working all things for our good and his glory. (Rom.8:28)

Cancer is a mighty beast. But God is mightier. God is love; he is unchanging; he is true. And God has everything moving according to his good and perfect plan.