Dear God,

You were with us this afternoon, in that cramped, cold patient room that’s become too familiar, when we heard my oncologist say the words “no evidence of cancer.” Oh—what bright hope that’s held in this delicate string of four little words! Thank you for weaving this soft, warm, sparkling thread into my humble story. It is so precious.

You are with me tonight, displaying in front of me this tapestry that is my life. We inspect it together. It’s taking a long time. I come up close, my finger grazing the fibers as I try counting all the non-pretty threads, brown and gray and fraying. There are so many. Honestly, Father, I would have chosen a whole different color palate for my life story. I kind of wish you would have invited me on a Michael’s shopping spree so I could pick out all my colors myself….

You let me linger here, but not for long. You draw me back. And from this distance, I see—it is beautiful. The odd mix of colors, the intricate pattern, the fraying edges all come together, masterfully woven to spell one word: hesed.

My life’s tapestry tells the magnificent story of your loyal, steadfast love.

Those muddy grays and browns tell of cancer’s pits and valleys into which the enemy threw me, and it was in those dark, lonely places that I saw your face clearer than I ever had, even from the brightest blue of the tallest mountaintops. Alone in the pit of deepest fear, you lifted my head and pointed my gaze heavenward, filling my heart to the brim with hope and a longing for eternity by your side.

I see all the times I doubted you, forgot you, did not praise you; the many nights I lie awake without enough peace to drift into sleep. I was foolish, putting more trust in my research and knowledge and plans than in your omniscience. Yet you did not condemn or abandon me; you gently wrapped your arms around my shivering figure, never leaving this arrogant sinner’s side. Hesed.

You are always with me and for me, and the grays and browns of this tapestry testify to this. In a deep, sincere way that only you will understand, I cherish them more than I do the sparkly thread of hope you added in today. For every thread that you’ve chosen for me, I trust you, and I thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

In Jesus’ precious name I pray,

Amen.