Struggle

Much to the cricket’s misfortune, our cats found him this morning has he scampered across the living room floor. The kitties love critters like him and will creep across the room next to him, batting him when he plays dead and lightly chewing on him as if trying to revive him, his legs and pieces breaking off along the way. I didn’t mean to but I assigned him a name – Charlie.

The kitties are indifferent to Charlie’s survival. To them, he is a fun friend who will soon become a snack. THey have no interest or desire to sustain any life but their own. After Charlie ends up in one of their tummies, they’ll proceed to take theyr usual morning nap in the sun.

For now, Charlie is alive – and I hurt a little to watch him struggle across the floor.

See – my heart is magnetically drawn to displays of struggle from even the most insignificant creatures – this morning’s being a cricket, with one leg and half an antennae left attached to his body. He struggles to untangle his remaining bits from the wool fibers of ouro rug while seemingly coordinating his survival plan, strategically timing his “playing possum” intervals to when the cats are looking away.

Poor Charlie is really trying. I’m rooting for you, Charlie.

I root for Charlie because I see me in him – tangled, limping, body deteriorating more with each inch of ground gained, silent, alone, tiny, leaving a trail of loss and damage behind him, growing slower, slower, slow.

I root for Charlie because I want me to make it, as beat up and disabled and tired as I am.

Watching him from across the room, I think these things and wonder: is struggle a distinction of our fallen world? Did Adam and Eve struggle before the fall?

Webster defines struggle (verb) as:

  1. to make strenuous or violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition
  2. to proceed with difficulty or with great effort

Did Adam have to make strenuous efforts in his work in the garden? Did Eve face any difficulties in helping him? Was difficulty or great effort required of them to survive? Did “hard work” mean something different in the pre-fall context?

God is always working, and work is good – but nothing is ever hard for him, and at no time does God struggle. I tend to believe that before the fall, Adam experienced the same in the context of struggle and that while he had lots of work to do, at no time did he struggle with difficulty.

BUT – struggle was required when faced with temptation. Right? And temptation not acted upon is not sin; in other words, temptation was pre-fall….

Much to meditate on today.

Suffering Well – Fear

What emotions did Jesus experience in Gethsemane?

Fear is the first word my mind generates. Panic, distress, fear. Perhaps it’s the influence of that one iconic painting of Jesus in nighttime Gethsemane, his frightened eyes and furrowed brow turned heavenward from his glowing face. I guess it’s kind of tricky to capture the face of anguish without fear, without distorting it into something unpleasant.

pc: paintingvalley.com

I never questioned if fear was an accurate assessment of his experience that night, until this morning.

Me: What were the emotions Jesus felt at Gethsemane?
Him: Dread and fear, I’d say
Me: Isn’t fear a sin? Like, one of those gray-area ones that isn’t a specific commandment but more like an admonition?
Him: (pause)
Me: Like, can Christ in his perfection actually fear?
Him: Think you’re right about fear being a sin…so, maybe more like extreme anguish/dread.

I’ve been studying up on the theology of suffering. Truly, if there’s anything I want to show for these past several years of cancer, depression and despair, I want it to be that I learned to suffer well. Still not there yet, but by God’s grace and patience I’m inching closer with each day, I think.

Jesus is the ultimate case study on the art (?) of suffering well.

And as we approach Good Friday and I meditate on all that Jesus may have experienced on that night, I’m struck by the fact that he had no fear. I’m realizing that those blood-infused sweat droplets were not indicative of off-the-chart levels of fear and panic, but deep, gut-wrenching anguish.

anguish /ăng′gwĭsh/

noun

  1. Agonizing physical or mental pain; torment. 
  2. Extreme pain, either of body or mind; excruciating distress.

Jesus agonized in torment within his body and soul from the weight of what lay ahead. Physical pain and torment, yes. But also the weight of the world’s sin – past, present and future – all to bear on his shoulders, alone, without a single soul’s support and especially without his heavenly Father’s presence, poured excruciating distress over his entire being. I can’t begin to fathom what it may have been like for Jesus, in that garden that night.

But I know one thing: he had no fear.

No fear of the cross. No fear of rejection. No fear of shame. No fear of pain and torture. No fear of armies, high priests, angry mobs, hateful insults, evil authorities. No fear of any man on the planet. No fear of walking this path alone. No fear of Satan. No fear of death.

And no fear of the Father turning his face away.

Why, and how?

Because he knew how it would end. He knew that he already had the victory. He knew this would be a “light and momentary affliction” that would prepare for him an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. He knew the incredible redemption his death and resurrection would bring to the world. He knew the joy of obedience to his Father’s will, and the steadfastness of his Father’s immutable promises.

If Christ had no fear, how much more should I not? In the face of these light and momentary afflictions – truly 1000% lighter and more momentary than his – I remember that, unlike Christ, I am not alone. I have a helper and a protector, a provider and a comforter. A good, good shepherd.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,
for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.
He will not leave you or forsake you.                       Deuteronomy 31:6

It is the Lord who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed.                                        Deuteronomy 31:8

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you, Lord, are with me;
Your rod and staff, they comfort me.                       Psalm 23:4

I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions,
And under his wings you will find refuge:
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.        Psalm 91:2-6

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.                Psalm 91:11-12

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.                                Psalm 91:14-15

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy and find grace to help
in time of need.                                                                Hebrews 4:16